Lollipop Magazine

Garbage Pail – Names Changed to Protect the Cheesy – Column

June 1, 2000

What’s in a name change? For celebrities that’ve spent years trying to build up name recognition, there’s usually two reasons: Symbolically separating yourself from an embarrassing but lucrative past, or trying to give yourself a veneer of “I’m an adult thespian now” class.

Garbage Pail – Eerie similarities between George Bush and George Bush – Column

June 1, 2000

George Bush was shot down and missing in action for a short time. — While not shot down, George Bush was missing from the National Guard for a whole year.

Garbage Pail – Coming Distractions – Column

June 1, 2000

Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Garbage Pail – Pancakes of the World, Unite! – Fiction

April 1, 2000

I.D.O.P. (International Dungeon of Pancakes). I.I.O.P. (International Igloo of Pancakes). I.Z.O.P. (International Zoo of Pancakes),

Garbage Pail – Fangs Through Tofu – Fiction

April 1, 2000

Vlados, 247, died Tuesday due to complications related to his refusal to drink blood. Perhaps the most shocking convert to veganism ever, Vlados was converted to the cause by a couple of Birkenstock-wearing potential victims who showed him some persuasive pamphlets.

Garbage Pail – Animal Wrongs – Column

April 1, 2000

It was the taboo topic no one in the animal-rights movement dared discuss – too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal-on-animal violence kills more animals than hunting and scientific experimentation combined.

Garbage Pail – The Art of Exaggeration: Reviewers – Column

January 1, 2000

When they say… They really mean… “…a great live band…” = “Their CD sucks.” “…have scored rave reviews…” = “They’ve been reviewed.”

Garbage Pail – The Art of Exaggeration: Bands – Column

January 1, 2000

When they say… They really mean… “This is the record that’s going to break us.” = “Our last record didn’t do shit for us.” “We just played a great show with [big name band].” = “There was a last minute cancellation and we were standing outside with our gear, like we always do.”

Garbage Pail – Scene Splicing – Column

January 1, 2000

Scene Splicing: Ice TLC, Living Color Me Bad Brains, GWArmchair Martian.

Garbage Pail – Movie Combinations – Column

January 1, 2000

Movie Combinations: Waking Ned Devine Because He’s Got Mail. The Negotiator vs. The Horse Whisperer.