Coroner’s Corner: Terror Train
by John Bikowski
Each week sees older films released on DVD. Even some of the cheesy horror flicks from the ’80s slasher days are getting some respect. Fox Home Entertainment (www.foxhome.com) has just released Terror Train, one of the more notable Halloween-style rip-offs. The film looks pretty swell, but there aren’t really any peachy extras. But do you really need them? The film itself provides enough entertainment and plenty of psycho nostalgia.
The film begins at a New Year’s frat party bonfire at which some of the “students” look old enough to apply for “senior citizen” status. They’re hazing new recruits, some of whom are forced to wear beanies until they get ahold of at least a bare tit. Some of the veterans set up a nasty prank for an ultra-geeky virgin pledge named Kenny. They convince big Ken that the super-hottie played by Jamie Lee Curtis is waiting in the frat house to give him the sex he’s been longing for since sixth grade. Jamie pretends to be in bed, urging Kenny to join her. However, after he strips down to his yellowed skivvies, Kenny finds that he’s actually fondling the naked corpse of a nasty old woman, complete with oozing sores. Needless to say, he freaks out big time and decides to spin around and around until he tangles himself in the bed curtains. The other frat boys burst in and laugh their asses off as Kenny’s mind presumably snaps.
We then cut to three years later, amidst preparations for a pre-graduation frat excursion on the titular “Terror Train,” an old steam engine passenger car. All of the original offending frat rats are in costume, so as to heighten the suspense of the ensuing murders. And here’s a doozy: The onboard magician is none other than David Copperfield. Could he be the killer? Or is he just a terrible actor? While boarding the train, the class joker gets run through with a sword, keels over, and breathes his last. Everyone thinks he’s screwing around, and no one notices the killer steal the Groucho Marx disguise and board the train. Soon, everyone is drunk, stoned, and slain, one by one. Finally, they start to catch on that Kenny is probably the one offing their pals. But what you’ll never see coming is that Kenny flipped his lid so hard that now he is a transvestite hot enough to slip in as Copperfield’s assistant. And before you can say Prom Night, Jamie Lee is stuck in a deadly cat-and-mouse game with the deranged lunatic. Pretty fun stuff, if you’re in the mood. And you just can’t pass up Copperfield hitting on Jamie Lee with tons of cheesy tricks. Classic.
I reviewed the recent release of Dawn of the Dead (1978) by Anchor Bay (www.anchorbayentertainment.com) in a previous issue, but I feel compelled to mention Ultimate Edition. The gatefold container unleashes four discs full of arterial-spurting joy. Disc one is the U.S. theatrical version, and comes with audio commentary, trailers, and more. The second disc is the extended director’s cut with 12 more minutes of goods and different music. There’s also another commentary and a bunch of galleries. Most notable is the rare European version, edited by Dario (Suspiria) Argento. This is a shorter version, which skips some of the slower passages and beefs up the awesome score by Goblin. The colors aren’t as sharp, but who cares? It’s still cool as hell. This version also comes with a commentary by the stars and more galleries. The final treat is disc four, which contains The Dead Will Walk, a brand new documentary which interviews all involved. Also, you can find The Document of the Dead that was filmed back in 1978 with tons of behind the scenes footage. No release of this film will ever be better. Get it now!
