Mental Shrapnel: Pick Up Lines That Never Work – Column

mentalshrapnellogo200Mental Shrapnel: Pick Up Lines That Never Work

Lollipop has a long history of making fun of stupid people, stupid trends, over-hyped movies, TV shows, bands, and anything else we see.

There’s no end to the things you can make fun of if you can stop giggling long enough to scribble a one-liner on one of the shut-off notices lying around. That’s what they’re there for.

This column used to be called Garbage Pail. The title stunk, but the contents didn’t. It was a “catch all” for random weirdness scribbled on bar napkins and pizza boxes. It was also an excuse to commission illustrations that, let’s face it, would never exist otherwise.

Mental Shrapnel is a collection of the the weird mental connections you make and riff on with your friends and laugh until you pee.

Email a Top Ten list, pitch sitcom plots we’ll never see, ponder what classic movies would’ve been like if Ashton Kutcher stared in them, whatever.

Do your friends think you’re a riot? Well, that’s why they’re your friends. Send in your brain farts anyway.

by Ewan Wadharmi

Pick Up Lines That Never Work

My name is Ewan, remember it because you’ll be screaming it tonight when the patrol car shows up.

Your husband set up this insurance policy to provide for you in the event of his untimely demise. By the way, now that he’s gone, what are your plans for the future, say… tonight?

Is your Bingo card full for the evening?

I seem to have lost my puppy. Can you help me find him?

Sure, I can get you backstage to meet Ani. But first you’ll have to do something for me…

Do you have a quarter so I can call my mom? I want to tell her she’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Your dad must be a chef, because you’ve got a really fat ass.

You ever been with a 54th level half-elf sorcerer? I’ve got all the experience and hit points you need. Where are you going? I’ll show you my glowing staff of Zovirax. IT’S PLUS 10 AGAINST GENITAL HERPES!


Sure, I can get you backstage to meet Big Bird. But first…

Girl, are you tired? Because you’re drooling and your hair’s a mess.

I’d like to check your phone booth for change.

Did you wash your pants with Windex? They’re all wet and smell like ammonia.

Me? I write for Lollipop.